Bella Renee- for Ava

Today, next to you, in your hospital room, was the first time (out of all the days I can remember) that I truly wouldn't rather be somewhere else.

And the first time I didn't want to leave when it was time to. 

            I wasn’t counting the minutes, that usually seem so slow regardless of where I go, hoping for them to quickly pass- rather, I was keeping track of how many were in between each contraction.

            I know it seems like a pain in the knees to unplug the cables and cords to the squiggly-line machine every time you have to pee, but did you ever notice that those peaks and valleys sometimes spell out ‘Ava’?

            So with these few moments alone I’m going to try to hone in on the perfect words to complete this poem, but I bet all my pennies that’ll take a thousand years.

            No matter how she comes out, caramel, white or brown, we’re already all so damned proud and that only gets to grow (and never stop or slow down).

            And I think it’s safe to say that this will be your most memorable birthday, despite it not being technically yours and all the pain [that’s what that magical stuff on drip from your I.V. is for]

            And soon I’ll be scribbling down thoughts for your daughter instead of you- don’t get discouraged when fewer letters come together in your name. The prettiest muse I ever came across just brought something new into the atmosphere, and now it’s her turn for all my words, dear.

-be excited about getting poop under your fingernails, runny noses and vomit on your favorite clothes

-her finding sarcasm and dirty words and thoughts you find absurd

-her first bad grade in school and hundreds of messy rooms

-watching only “G” rated movies for so many years until all you want is to watch something rated “R” and when she’s finally old enough to handle adult themes, wanting to go back to the simpler and purer times

-cooking and cleaning never ending, all the fairy tales and playing, pretending

Her eyelashes tickling your neck and starting the morning with her first breath

            The sound of her voice when you’ve never heard it before

            (and then the hours of arguments when she discovers sentences)

Her first boyfriend (that you hate)

Her first boyfriend (that you love)

Staying up all night because she has the flu

Staying up all night just for fun

Learning her favorite food and favorite bands and holding her tiny hands while you slow dance to nothing at all

There’s nothing, nothing, nothing not to be excited about.

I know because I’ve been here before. The person that sparked that infinite wonder has the very same middle-name as Ava Renee.

And now I get to do it again.

“Grateful” seems remarkably inadequate. But it’ll have to do for tonight. I’ll spend the next thousand years trying to get it right.